Dear Sir or Madam,

Shaw's Supermarket - Please play more Pagan music at your stores

2012-01-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

This last December, I became quite fed up with the excessive playing of Christmas music in stores. Ignoring the fact that this barrage of carols began the day after Halloween, completely bypassing the opportunity to play classic Thanksgiving tunes like "The Year 1620" and "Death to the Injuns", I decided to lodge a complaint:

Shortly thereafter, I received an e-reply:

I'm glad they have decided to take my complaint seriously. Who wouldn't? A few days later, the manager himself (herself? itself?) replied as well:

Decant is a good new name, although I was a little disappointed to hear that they have no control over their music. All I know is the one time I went in there at 3am, someone was playing Katy Perry full volume...

I received no further reply, either from corporate or the management team about a copy of the Shaw's Christmas soundtrack. I'll check back in next January and see if they've made any progress in putting together a playlist.

ACCO - Please rectify my Satanic Swingline Stapler!

2011-09-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

After drawing a mean face on my stapler at work, I composed the following letter:

Several days later, I received the following reply, with one of my favorite subject lines:

Finally, some respect for my problem

For those of you who don't routinely peruse stapler websites, the ACCO site is one of the better ones. They have a whole section devoted to the history of the stapler, along with random tips and tricks, which cover everything from stapling facts to writing tips to energy saving tactics. For example, did you know "nearly one in four (24 percent) female office workers wish they could staple their love handles away, compared to just 12 percent of men?" Didn't think so. But I digress:

A few weeks later, I received a brand new Satan-free stapler:

No jams yet; but that might be because they didn't send me any staples. Apparently those weren't covered by the warranty. I decided to express my thanks to Kaye:

Perhaps out of jealousy, my other stapler has disappeared. Hopefully JamFree will perform better than his predecessor.

President Obama - Please attend my wedding in Space!

2011-08-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

Last year, I wrote the following letter to our illustrious leader:

Several months later (right around the time of my alleged wedding, in fact), I received the following envelope:

...containing the following charming note:

What a lovely message! Too bad the President couldn't come to my space wedding, but it's nice to see he cared enough to write me back. And thank you, tax payers, for the $1 worth of effort it probably took to send this out.

iRobot - Please fix my insolent Roomba!

2011-08-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. The good news is, many more will be forthcoming now that I have had a chance to rebuild my inventory. Your readership is appreciated!

More substantial updates will follow shortly, but enjoy this brief exchange inspired by my Cat apartment:

The fine folks at iRobot hastily replied:

There's something strangely sinister about the last line of that signature. Anyway, several days later, I received the following:

Given the bland formulaic response, it's clear iRobot is taking their own advice and letting their robots write their emails for them. As an aside, an acquaintance of mine used to work at iRobot, and now builds missiles. I guess it would be more troubling if that job ordering had been reversed, but still, apparently the skill set is transferable...

DC Craigslist - Please sublet my apartment while I attend the Danish Cat Convention

2011-05-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

So I recently completed a horrid search for a DC summer sublet. In an effort to understand why it was so hard to find a place, I decided to place an ad for an apartment of my own:

$900 in Dupont is a good deal, but I figured the 16 cats would be quite the deterrent. Apparently I was wrong. Responses started trickling in; many seemed quite determined:

Apparently Cousin Garth wasn't a deal-breaker either, but I didn't want to lead her on in case she really thought this was going to work out:

I'm not sure that follows logically, but I'll let her have it.

Some other interesting responses:

...ew

people are really getting clever with their one-liner salutations

?? - no.

Apparently the ad caught on, as the posting made DCist, and the responses have been flooding in since then. And for the doubters out there, the Danish Cat Convention is a real thing. Maybe I should submit an application for the Catinental Congress to attend. And thanks again, Craigslist Users, for providing so much entertainment.

home

Blogger Fail!

2011-05-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Thank you to the 15,000 who came to visit my humble site yesterday. I would like to think you helped contribute to the horrible Blogger meltdown that resulted in the deletion of my post , but it sounds like Blogger managed to screw it up all on their own. The DC Craigslist Cat Apartment post should be restored soon, but until then, enjoy some old favorites (EDIT: DC Sublet post restored!):

Four Seasons - Please help me book a room in 2023

Hyundai - Please help me activate amphibious mode

Amiee Alan - Please cater my Volcano wedding

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

More to come imminently.

Vdara Hotel - Please let me inspect your Death Ray!

2011-03-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Recently, many of you may have heard about the "Death Ray" featured at the new Vdara hotel in Las Vegas. The concave curve of the building efficiently and effectively focuses sunlight, gently steaming pool occupants. As CEO of Emulsification Kill Rays, Inc., I knew I had to contact Vdara:

6 months later (?), they sent the following email:

Guess they have better things to do than reply to my letters. Like solve their Death Ray problem. Maybe I'll host the next EKR corporate board retreat there.

Furry Toys Tours - Please take my stuffed cat(s) on vacation!

2011-02-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

Recently, while conducting a routine search for stuffed-animal tour companies, I cam across the following: http://www.furrytoystours.com/

I was thrilled at the prospect of finally getting to spend money to send my stuffed animals on vacation, so I sent them the following email:

Surprisingly (or maybe not?), they replied:

What Great News! This would be a fantastic opportunity to promote the Performing Troop:

For more information on why I don't trust FedEx, see here.

After a few more days of delay, I received the following:

Those damn French. They're probably just still jealous that our Revolution involved substantially less guillotining.

Xtreme Taxidermy - Please embalm my dead cats!

2011-01-18T22:09:00.000-08:00

Recently, while searching for an extreme taxidermist, I came across the following website: http://www.xtremetaxidermy.com/

I was awed and inspired by their fantastic website. In particular, I was drawn to their "pet preservation service", described as follows: "We will now be offering a very special service known as pet preservation. We realize that pets are a very important part of our lives, and when it is time that we must say goodbye to them, we can offer a loving and lasting alternative to burial or cremation. A new process known as freeze dry preservation affords pet owners a way to preserve their pet in a visible and restful manner."

What better way to say goodbye than to freeze a loved one into a permanent position and creepily display them in an obscure corner of your home? If it's good enough for Jabba, it's good enough for me, so I decided to inquire about their services:

Sadly, my reputation caught up with me:

I received no further response. In all likelihood, they are probably busy on-site filming their impending reality TV show. Still, I am grateful for their playful response. If any of you have extreme taxidermy needs, I highly recommend the fine folks at Xtreme Taxidermy.

Delta Airlines - Please let me purchase one of your uncomfortable seats!

2010-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

I recently flew on Delta Airlines, and was impressed with their extreme discomfort. I decided to write the airline and praise them on their accomplishment:

25 days later (not to be concerned with the zombie movie of proximate name) I received the following:

Jervis really is a great name. But they still seem to be missing the point:

Apparently Jervis couldn't handle the heat, so he passed me off:

These people really don't know how to take a compliment. Oh well. Guess I'll have to look up "the more popular airline boneyards" online (are there less popular airline boneyards?). Stay tuned...

American Mustache Institute - Please let me join your mustachioed ranks!

2010-10-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

As I am sure many of you were, I was deeply moved by Mr. Jimmy McMillan's The Rent Is Too Damn High party. I was also thrilled to discover he received a ringing endorsement from the American Mustache Institute, thus prompting the following email:

Shortly after, they replied:

I am now an honorary member of the American Mustache Institute. Jimmy McMillan has nothing on me.

Also, it is really worth visiting Mr. McMillan's site

San Francisco Giants - Please sign my baseball card!

2010-10-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of post-season baseball:

Several days later, I received the following and nothing more:

Nate isn't a starter - there's no way he's so important that he can't answer a few of my questions. I have taken the liberty of answering them myself in his stead based on careful internet research about his preferences:

1. Chocolate Lava Cake

2. No.

3. "Hey."

4. Certainly

5. I am colorblind. My favorite color is grayish black.

6. When I was 12, I accidentally killed my cat with a line drive to the head. He was by far the worst first baseman I've ever played with.

Fascinating facts, Nate! Thanks for the card, Juanito will be thrilled.

Crayola - Please replace my lost Crayon!

2010-09-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

More excitement:

As an aside, I actually know the person who came up with the title of the color, "Robin's Egg Blue." I think he won a lifetime supply of Crayons as a result. Luckily Crayola replied:

That's great that they sent me these coupons (see below), but I'm a little hurt they don't want any of my artwork...

I used my coupon to buy new Crayons, and drew up a couple of drafts of my Masterpiece, "15 Cats attacking A Cantankerous Robin’s Nest." Despite their protestations, I submitted a copy to Crayola, but I have yet to hear back from them regarding my artistic prowess.

First attempt:

Note the bold use of strokes and blending of colors on the tree. The forward-looking cat is a commentary on the voyeuristic nature of our degenerate society.

Second attempt:

In this piece, we see a more fully formed development of the theme. The bird's defiant stance contrasted against the sunset is a foil for Fascist Germany.

Third attempt:

Ok, I didn't draw this, but it is actually drawn with Crayons, and is titled "The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing." It looks more like "The Man Who was about to be Scalped," but maybe that's why I'm not a professional artist. For more of the talented Don "The Master Crayon Artist" Marco's work, visit his website!

Harmony Wynelands - Please cater my divorce!

2010-09-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

I got tired of marriage letters, so I decided to try a new tactic:

Scheduling a divorce clown is hard. Someone should also probably mention that they spelled "Wineland" wrong, and also that even "wineland" isn't a real word. Nevertheless, they graciously replied:

All types of parties? Makes the mind wander....... Sadly, I never managed to make it out to Lodi. Maybe if Amiee Alan Catering had been willing to cater my Kazakh wedding, we wouldn't have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Videojug - Please let me become a writer for your site!

2010-09-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I received the following email

This is very exciting. I am finally getting the notoriety I deserve. Maybe now I can be a Successful Blogger, although it is a little unclear what my "expertise" is.... Amphibious Vehicles perhaps?

Apparently she likes my ideas, or isn't actually reading them. Either is a viable option.

If she insists...

Offering to personally read all my emails is a dangerous proposition; perhaps there will be more to come of that later. Until then, visit my How To guide on operating underwater vehicles.

UPDATE 9/5/2010:

I have received an award for my diligent service:

It looks like this:

It's official. I'm an author. Glamour and Skiing Magazine and Videojug seem to think so at least.

Updates, sort of!

2010-08-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to announce that a somewhat altered version of the Glamour post has been returned to the site. Certain parties were upset that I had posted certain things, so I had to make certain accommodations to prevent certain people from being certainly fired from their certain jobs. At least they didn't call the crack Cambridge Police. You can view it at http://freddecatt.blogspot.com/2010/05/glamour-magazine-please-publish-my.html.

I also have two new letters to post, but sadly packed them away somewhere when moving apartments. I will post those as soon as I can locate them. More responses should be coming down the pipeline soon though!

Until then, enjoy this non-respondent letter, and this item I found for sale on the local town kiosk:

Given that 8 months have elapsed, and my grapefruit would be pretty moldy by now, I think it's safe to assume they aren't replying.

Pay attention to the 3rd item for sale below; this may have to factor into future correspondence:

That says what I think it says, right?

I apologize again profusely for my negligence towards updates!

Updates to come!

2010-07-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends,

Due to recent events, there have not been updates. But, there will be. So stay tuned. Also, note that the Glamour post has been temporarily removed at the request of certain parties. It should be back up soon, but regardless, it is immortalized forever in the annals of the magazine.

Sincerely,

Fred Decatt

ChooseCo - Please send me a signed Choose Your Own Adventure

2010-05-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

A letter to R.A. Montgomery, writer for the Choose Your Own Adventure book series:

Several days later, I received a padded envelope with the following; only this and nothing more

Turning to the opening pages, I noticed I had received my autograph:

This is very exciting. Not only did I receive an autograph, but in reading the book, realized it was an updated version of a series of CYOAs I had already read. The stories take place in the dystopian world of Turtalia and Dorado (formerly THE UNITED STATES; why rebel leader would rename the country Turtalia is beyond my judgment). I now owned a copy of the updated 2005 version of the first book ("Escape") and an original 1986 version of the second ("Beyond Escape"):

(please excuse the shotty photography)

Both books are centered around three characters: Matt, Mimla, and the despicable Haven.

From left to right: Mimla, Matt, Haven from 2005

Mimla and Matt treat Haven to some bondage

Apparently they updated the images to reflect modern senses of awesomeness, as these guys looked pretty different 20 years ago:

Mimla and Matt touch you inappropriately while you are sleeping

Haven is a teleporting child molester

In Escape, you drive a 2005 Chevy Blazer:

...while in Beyond Escape, you hitch a ride with some Hell's Angels:

I can't wait to see how the illustrations of my forthcoming Viking CYOA will compare with the 1980s original.

British Lottery - Please give me my winnings!

2010-05-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

I received this email recently:

This is exciting! 500,000 British Pounds without even entering the lottery! That's how most lotteries make money. I informed them of my interest and received the following in reply:

I reply:

Apparently they like sending long emails that don't make for helpful screenshots:

I like the grammar usage, as well as the encouragement to donate money and avoid "time wasting". They also sent me this:

In compliance with their requests, I sent the following email to their "lawyer." Don't worry if you are getting confused, it doesn't really matter:

Apparently they aren't reading these. Or don't speak English. They send me the following email. Note the footer:

...followed by a separate email:

How could this not be a real bank? I sent them back my completed form. They asked for a passport photo, which I sadly could not procure, so I drew one in:

Then comes the kicker. They send me an email from their lawyer, "Barrister Jeffery James Dean", requesting 590 British pounds in legal fees. The lengthy email is below:

Dear client,

I am in receipt of your e-mail in which you have indicated your interest in our legal services. I understand you are one of the 2010 LOTTERY WINNERS from the information I have gotten from Yorkshire Bank, let me say Congratulations..!

First and foremost, In order to sign you on as a client, you have to give me the power of attorney to act on your behalf. A power of attorney is a legal instrument that is used to delegate legal authority to an attorney in legal transactions where the principal (you) cannot be present to procure or sign necessary legal documents. Without this document, I can not legally act on your behalf. I have attached the power of attorney document to this mail, you will have to fill and send it back after you have accepted the processing and service provision charge analysis below.

Should incase you have not been clarified, The Affidavit of claim is a document required by most Financial Institutions here in UK for the Legalization/Certification of Claims. The Authorization Letter is also required of UK non-residents before fund Transfer/Payment worth over 50,000.00 GBP can be made. This serves as an Authorization to the Bank to release your fund to you as the rightful beneficiary.

The essence of these demanded documents by the Bank is to ensure that your winning right and privilege is upheld and protected by legal backing. It is also to ensure that the funds which is being remitted to you is obtained legally and not intended to be used in support of acts of social vices or terrorism. Your winning right and privilege in code 039 and 137 of the British law {protects the legitimacy of the acquisition and transfer of huge sums}.

Reference to this, I wish to state to you the following as the required logistics to facilitate me to accomplish your request and to act as your attorney as regards signing your fund release order and other relevant transfer documents on your behalf.

Processing and Service provision Charges Analysis

1. Affidavit of claim (Oath Fee/Stamp duties) - 380 British Pounds

2. Consultation/Legal Service Charge: £210 British Pounds

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Total = 590 British Pounds.

The Oath/stamp duties Fee must be paid to the Crown Court Commissioner for Oaths before the Affidavit of claims can be sworn and authorization letter issued to me on your behalf .

For my service, I charge a non negotiable fee of £210 British Pounds and payment must to be made before I commence proceedings.

For your early information, the above cost is not deductible from your prize money in Yorkshire Bank because our chamber has no access, withdrawal or deduction right over your prize money in the Bank. As stipulated in the working guideline given to our chambers by the paying Bank, the cost shall be sent by you (winner) through our chambers account department.

The duration of preparing all relevant documents from the British Judiciary Crown here in Manchester normally take less than 12 hours if the necessary fees are paid to the Court.

To enable me execute your job immediately you are advised to send the document processing fee and my service provision fee (590 British Pounds) via Western Union Money transfer immediately with the name of my secretary below.

SECRETARY: MRS. ELIZABETH NEWTON

ADDRESS: #85 Stocport Road, Longsight

Manchester M60 2DB - UK

Just copy of the above information and take it to Western Union agent close to you, this information will be needed for the transfer to be done to my secretary through Western Union Money Transfer. Once the payment has been done , endeavour to send the following information to me:

1- MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number):

2- SENDER NAME AND ADDRESS:

3-SCAN COPY OF THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER SLIP(Payment Slip)

4-Scan copy of ID (Drivers license or passport)

I have also attached a copy of the Crown Court Affidavit Application form to this e-mail and you are required to complete and return it to me immediately payment is done . A Copy of the attached POWER OF ATTORNEY document must be forwarded to Yorkshire Bank. Make sure you printout the POWER OF ATTORNEY document before filling it.

Best Regard

Barr Jeffery Dean

(Principal Partner)L.L.B

I was starting to get tired of this, so I started with blatant tomfoolery to grab their attention:

Instead, I got this copy of his passport, and a link to his really great website which is sadly now broken ='(

He's a real rebel without a cause. I send the following:

Apparently he was surprised not to receive the transfer from Fartley and Spooge banking; after some complaints, he asked me to resend some documents, so I sent him this final email...

...with the following "affidavit" attached:

I received no further reply. I guess the monkey knife fight finally got his attention.

As an aside, some research into scam culture revealed that there is a whole sport made of "scamming the scammers" called "scambaiting." I highly recommend the following video exhibiting the prowess of some other scambaiters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IQqd17p9_0

What Thespians! Lovely plumage!

Glamour Magazine - Please publish my apology for ruining someone's wedding! (Updated 8/2/2010)

2010-05-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

***** NOTE *****

Due to a request from Glamour, certain aspects of this post had to be edited. If you saw an earlier version of this post, you should probably go back in time and not look at it. Sandwiches are a good way to distract your past self. In fact, you should probably just go make one right now and not bother (re)reading this in the first place.

****************

I received this prompt by email from Helpareporter (the same organization that connected me with the Mayan Wedding people.) Note that this is punctuated "Help a Reporter," not "Help! A Reporter!":

This sounds like a great chance for Calveen to make her authorial debut:

Slightly less ambitious than Fred's Skiing Magazine endeavor, but in the same vein.

Several months later, I received the following:

(note that the link connects to the G3 Reverend Skis)

"Hey lady" is such a splendid greeting. My stories are starting to get tangled...

I scrambled to find a blaze orange dress I could photoshop, but to no avail. Later, I had to contend with a phone call from "research" confirming the details of the story, but HP provided excellent voice-acting for Calveen (thanks!). Good thing ~~the fact checkers have never heard of Google. I wonder if they would have cared had they known it was fabricated... doubtful.~~ the story is 100% factual and there was no fabrication in any way.

And thus, ON SHELVES NOW, page 140:

Be sure to support Glamour by buying a copy today! Too bad they couldn't send me free skis as well. Or at least a bikini...

UPDATE 8/2/2010:

Some of you may recall seeing a picture of the Glamour Author here in past edits. You were mistaken. There was never such a picture.

Apparently I've been doing this for awhile...

2010-04-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just forwarded me the following letter:

Note the date; apparently, I've been writing these letters since I was 15. This is surprising, since I was pretty sure I had started this in 2007. Maybe the Cambridge police were right, and I really should seek mental help...

In other news, if anyone is interested in illustrating some Vikings for a new project I am working on me, please send me an email at freddecatt(at)gmail.

Disney - Please send my Son a Mickey Mouse Autograph

2010-04-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

Disney is fun

Several weeks later, I received an envelope filled with the following:

They also sent me a mini puzzle and some stickers. I was a little perturbed that they did not admonish that insolent Juanito for not eating his veggies. Maybe Donald Duck would have helped.

Engaged couple - Please be in my upcoming show on Extreme Weddings!

2010-04-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

After getting tired of writing people myself, I submitted the following "request for stories" for my upcoming periodical, Extreme Wedding Magazine:

I received the following reply; she played along nicely, so I have kindly omitted (most) of her name:

On top of a Mayan Temple! She also explains on her site her intention to be married by a Mayan Shaman in an old Cenote while releasing butterflies at the conclusion of the ceremony. This is roughly the plot of Choose Your Own Adventure #5, Mystery of the Maya

She acceded to the proposal, minus the animal sacrifice and ravenous ants, which prompted further elaboration:

I guess she thinks this is a quicker way to fame than faking putting your son in a weather balloon...

At a loss for what do next, I aborted:

It was a tasty sandwich.

She never wrote back, but after some exploring of the internet, I found this lovely picture of Carlos or whatever his name is:

I'm sure it was quite the event

Colgate - Please help me understand your confusing Tooth Paste

2010-03-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

After some delay, they help me to understand:

They also sent me some coupons. I didn't get any recipes though. That was disappointing. I will just have to keep exploring creative ways to utilize Humectant on my own.

Presidential Who's Who - Please let me join your esteemed organization

2010-03-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

I found the following fax at my office:

This is an exciting opportunity. A quick glance at their website confirms that they are a respected organization. They have a jingle when you click on menus. And a quote from the President of Kansas (the quotation marks are theirs): -Everyone has been very helpful and considerate of my time.You have made this a pleasant experience. "Steven Reynolds ,President" Kansas.

And to top it off, "In addition to our annual publication, Presidential Who’s Who offers its membership an elegant wall plaque that will define you as a high achiever to all who enter your workplace."

I am so excited my business can finally be recognized for its contributions through wall plaques:

Several weeks later, I was surprised to receive the following reply:

I'm perplexed; maybe they didn't like my crudely construed Star Wars references? What a devoted scam, to go to the trouble to send me this letter! I inquired further:

I received no reply. I suppose I will have to celebrate with my clown and lava cakes alone.

Metlife - Please let me feature your Blimp in my wedding

2010-03-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

A lot of themes coming together in this one...

Hopefully they will be more accommodating than the Goodyear brigands...

This is a useful life fact to know; apparently, Metlife will fly their blimp to locations for pretty much no reason.

Or maybe not:

They never wrote back. my lifelong dream of riding in a blimp continues unfulfilled. Juanito will be crushed.

Michelin Tires - Please let me meet the Michelin Man/Don't arrest me

2010-03-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

The much-anticipated letter(s) to Michelin:

A week or so after receiving this letter, I received a knock on my door, which I opened to reveal two burly looking gentlemen. A rough transcript of the conversation follows:

Man in Beret: "Hello, we're detectives with the Cambridge Police Department, do you know a Mr. Fred Decatt?"

Me: "No, he's not a real person."

(Man in Beret turns to Man in Leather Coat; looks confused)

Me: "I mean, yes, I'm him, I guess."

Man in Beret: "Did you threaten to kill the Michelin Man?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Man in Leather Coat: "We received a complaint from Michelin Tires that a Mr. Fred Decatt made death threats against their corporate mascot, and they are taking them very seriously."

Me: "The Michelin Man isn't a real person..."

Man in Beret: "Yes, but they fear collateral damage, you know, given everything that has been happening recently... Do you have any history of mental problems? Are you on any medications?"

Me: (regretting saying Fred Decatt isn't a real person) "No... and I don't think I made any threats... I just wanted to meet him. Maybe I should show you the letter I sent?"

Man in Leather Coat: (after reading letter) "Oh... I see... Well... um... don't do this sort of thing anymore. You won't be hearing from us again."

This was quite the shock to me. I never thought letter-writing could cause such egregious angst! So, as any sane person would do, I wrote them again:

They never wrote back. Gates gets a beer summit and I don't? What a travesty of Justice.

The worst part is, I actually was afraid of the Michelin Man as a kid! He has a countenance reminiscent of the nefarious the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man:

I encourage you all to think twice before purchasing tires from a company with such a monstrous mascot, and apparently zero sense of humor.

Craigslist Users - Please accompany me on a Cougar Hunting expedition

2010-03-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

I was recently informed that there is a large Cougar problem in Cambridge. I have thusly resolved to offer my services to help:

I received a number of curious responses to this post. Note that they are all "safe for work" but get a little... weird.....

Apparently ladies really enjoy hunting:

Her "Iphone sending crazy staff" indeed.

Venice never replied, but her friend did:

I began noticing that every time I would reply, I would receive a new email grouped in the same string - this is either a gmail conspiracy, or some cabalistic cougar-hunting ring that spams responses. It is a known fact that cougars love spam.

Responses starting getting progressively more ESL...

...prompting me to become more direct in my assertions, such as this riposte:

Until I finally read this rather upsetting reply, and decided to halt my venture:

She's not even a cougar! What audacity!

Kensington Hilltop - Please let me train my seeing-eye cats on your campus!

2010-02-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

After careful consideration, they reply with the following email:

Perhaps we can have a field trip to the rodeo instead to try out the cats? Why are cats so useless?

3M - Please let me bulk order Scotch Tape for my King Kong replica

2010-02-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

They reply with bureaucratic poise:

I apologize for not specifying which type of tape I would require for my 3/8th size replica of King Kong. I thought it would have been obvious. At least they noticed I am constructing a statue!

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my snake, Hissers

2010-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

More Craigslist tomfoolery:

I received more responses than I would care to document. However, some highlights below:

__________________________________________________________
From: eightleggedrat@XXX
To: Fred Decatt
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 3:01 PM

Hi,
I am a high school biology teacher, and I moonlight as an exotic animal handler. I've had some recent changes in my animals at home, and I have an enclosure open that would be great for Hissers. At this point in the school year we are talking a lot about biodiversity and the kids are always excited to see new things. If Hissers were to come to us, he would be joining four different kinds of snakes we already have.
__________________________________________________________

From: Fred Decatt
To: eightleggedrat@XXX
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 4:11 PM

Hi David,
That's great, I am a teacher too and moonlight as a different sort of "exotic handler". I'm a little confused by your response, though, you have kids in enclosures at your home, and you want to put the snake in with them? Hissers is pretty friendly, but that seems unethical; children should be allowed to roam free? Please clarify?

__________________________________________________________

From: eightleggedrat@XXX
To: Fred Decatt
Wed, Feb 17, 2010 at 7:27 AM

Good Morning Fred,
You got it right, I keep kids in my enclosures at home and occasionally I drop snakes in with them. Usually the snakes eat the children, sometimes it's the other way around, but mostly I find the kids and the snakes playing checkers until the kids say they are ready to go home. It's a strange hobby, but you never know what may catch your attention until you start stuffing kids in 10 gal aquariums! As for the ethical issues involved, I usually get a signed waiver.

Another respondent:

__________________________________________________________
From: Kristi@XXX
To: Fred Decatt
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 3:35 PM

I studied herpetology and spent a summer in costa rica catching lizards and playing with fer de lances. I have three tortoises, a leopard gecko, and a corn snake, but also two cats, so I am not sure about a snake that will try to bite them. How big is it? It is hard to get scale from the pic, and also hard to identify, because the colubridae dichotomous keys say things like "has two scales between eye and nostril." Did you ask your roommate if he is missing anything? Is it nice? Not really down for a mean snake. You get any takers yet? If not, let me know. Maybe I can at least identify it for you.

__________________________________________________________
From: Fred Decatt
To: Kristi@XXX
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 4:23 PM

Hello,

I tried to contact my roommate about Hissers, but he was deported back to Mali so I have been unable to reach him. He may have left Hissers to spite me, but this is doubtful. We got along pretty well, except when his giant tortise tried to eat my bedsheets.

Hissers only bit my cat(s) once that I know of. I have 16 cats, and Jingle got a little frisky with Hissers so Hissers responded with vigor. He just nipped Jingle, who is recovering nicely. So long as you don't have too many overly ambitious cats, I'm sure Hissers would be a great addition. He is approx. 2-4 feet long; I have not stretched him out to his full length as I fear his scaly skin. Do you think if you moisturized snakes they would be less scaly?
__________________________________________________________
From: Kristi@XXX
To: Fred Decatt
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 4:51 PM

Can you even take snakes when you are deported? Definitely not if you are going to Hawaii, but my knowledge of Mail is sparse. I know they ship corn snakes across country, but shipping an unidentified snake internationally, without a permit...ha. I would like to have been at fedex to observe when you tried.

Normally I would be very ambitious, but I guess I am shallow when it comes to reptiles and frankly - hissers is a butterscales. As you can see from the attached pictures, my animals are very attractive, and though every group needs a "fat friend", I feel their cold-blooded nature would prevent them from accepting him into their family and he might be better off elsewhere.
__________________________________________________________
From: Fred Decatt
To: Kristi@XXX
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 6:35 PM

I'm not sure what you are implying. Are you saying Hissers is Fat? What insolence! He just doesn't get a chance to work out much since he is living in a cardboard encasement (a box). His ice cream diet also probably is not helping.

I did not tell Fed Ex that I was shipping a snake. I just put him in a box and gave it to the clerk. They became suspicious when the box began moving on the scales. I said it was banana bread. They did not believe me. I do not know how Amadou got his reptiles out. Probably in his luggage or his pants (this is not unprecedented).

I think Hissers would appreciate an apology. Then perhaps we could discuss identifying his species.
__________________________________________________________
From: Kristi@XXX
To: Fred Decatt
Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 7:19 PM

I am very sorry, Hissers.

I did not mean to call him fat - just unattractive. I know it's shallow, but really, who likes a snake for it's personality?

If you are not on a watch list yet for your last attempt, you should try to etherize the snake and send it quickly. I work in a lab and could feasibly pilfer chloroform. Most snakes can easily go months without eating, so it should be fine, unless your roommate left in September. In which case, you should count your cats again. If he fed it live mice, it usually won't eat frozen/thawed ones, which is kind of annoying. Wild mice are generally not recommended, but if he has been living in your attic for that long, they would be the least of his problems.
__________________________________________________________

This goes on... for about 25 more emails. Although she was rather mean to Hissers at first, at least she was nice enough to apologize for calling him fat, and offer to steal chloroform to knock him out before shipping him via Fed Ex to my former roommate Amadou in Mali whose tortoise ate my bedsheets . That's devotion.

Fed Ex - Please ship my box full of venomous snakes!

2010-02-14T18:26:00.000-08:00

A prolegomenous Note: While I did have a complaint with Fed Ex which prompted me to write this letter, it did not quite adhere to the details as described below; although it may seem unlikely, I do have some scruples, and retain complaint letters for those parties deserving of them.

They craft the graceful reply below; perhaps I can schedule a pick-up of my box?

I wonder what constitutes a "beneficial insect?" Carpenter ants? Worker Bees? Beetles that eat dust and ward off evil spirits? They probably have a "no beetle" policy as well.

Goodyear - Please let me ride in your illustrious blimp!

2010-02-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

Persistence sometimes pays off, in theory:

The following was then posted into an online "blimp inquiry form" (!) on their website:

They finally wrote back with a series of curious emails: Read On to see the screen shots (cut and paste gets tiresome)

THEY SENT ME A MINI INFLATABLE BLIMP?? Juanito would have been thrilled, but it never arrived!

Surely they could spare another one...

But they did have photos on February 11th; now I'm getting frustrated

I do admire the honesty. And at least they didn't try to arrest me like certain other tire companies... stay tuned for that letter in the imminent future.

My Dentist - Please help me overcome my amnesia!

2010-02-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Several months after unwillingly and unknowingly consenting to having four cavities stuffed full of mercury, I received this unceremonious letter from my rapacious dentist (I have withheld his name, as he actually did a nice job with my shiny, toxic new molars):

I replied:

They clarified:

That very same day, they left the following message on my parents' (!!) answering machine (a questionable use of the "emergency contact" information; aside from my amnesia, I believe I appear quite stable):

"Hello, I am calling regarding your son. He claims to have suffered a bout of amnesia, and is having some trouble recalling the services we performed for him at his recent office visit. We were hoping you could explain to him that he recently had four cavities filled, and he needs to remit payment in the amount of $178.25. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

My parents phoned me frantically. I paid the dentist in full the next day. Touche.

1000 Visitors! (UPDATE: Now with Australians AND Antarcticans!)

2010-01-31T12:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

Thank you kindly for your patronage! Due to your diligent forwarding, over 1000 people have ingested the contumelious content of this site! I am especially thankful to my international readers (Hi Germany!) and my subcutaneous readers (Hi Blood Parasites!). Readers have visited from 5 different continents already, but we are still missing Australia and Antarctica. If you know of any friends/scientists/hunters in those regions, please forward this on so we can have Full Representation!

Furthermore, take a minute to Friend me on Facebook (there's also a button on the right --->), and join the fan page. This will make sure you are Up To Date, and more importantly, capable of sharing with your friends at the South Pole. If you prefer "tweets" and "twittering," you can also "follow" me at fdecatt.

As an added incentive, if you entice a visitor from Australia or Antarctica, I will gladly send you a personal thank you letter and Certificate of Accomplishment. So start sharing!

********* UPDATE *********

One day after posting this, I already received an Australian Viewer! What Joy! If anyone would like to claim responsibility for this bounty and receive your reward, either comment here or send me a message on Facebook! Thank you again for your diligence - let's get Antarctica now.

**** FURTHER UPDATE ****

We have an Antarctican! What a glorious Day!

**************************

Of course, fame has its price. I recently sent the following letter:

And received this reply by email - despite the fact I had not even provided my email address:
_______________________________________________
from: XXX
to: Fred Decatt
date: Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 3:42 PM
subject: Special reservation request

Fred,

You are a talented and creative writer. I hope you get plenty of responses for your blog.
_______________________________________________

Worth the extra effort for responses if I get subarctic viewers.

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my poorly performing Tiburon

2010-01-27T21:58:00.000-08:00

You might want to read this first for background:

In response to this post, I received about 30 emails of prospective buyers. Most were ready to buy, sight unseen; $1000 is apparently a good price for a leaky Tiburon. No one seemed to be fazed by the car's poor underwater performances until the following:

___________________________________________
from: XXXX@aol.com
to: Fred Decatt
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 1:56 PM
subject: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

no car made now can operate under water whoever told you that any could is retarded i am a mechanic trust me NO CAR MADE TODAY IS ABLE TO WORK UNDER WATER

___________________________________________
from: Fred Decatt
to: XXXX@aol.com
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 2:04 PM
subject: Re: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

Are you sure? It was functioning reasonably well in the shallows. Once the water reached the height of the windows, however, I began noticing leaks. Tiburon does mean shark in Spanish, and my friend assured me it would work... he thought maybe I had faulty ballast? Have you repaired any amphibious cars?

___________________________________________
from: XXXX@aol.com
to: Fred Decatt
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 2:06 PM
subject: Re: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

google it NOTHING MADE TODAY IS AMPHIBIOUS call the dealer it wont work i promise you this if you drive a car into water it will develop electrical problems
and your freind dont know what he is talkin about

___________________________________________
from: Fred Decatt
to: XXXX@aol.com
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 2:18 PM
subject: Re: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

Hmm. I don't seem to find anything about Amphibious Hyundais. But I found a link to this

That's what I was expecting! Unfortunately I could not seem to resolve the issue of floating, and was unable to reliably adjust depth (except for downwards). Do you think you could help me fix the car to operate underwater? I think it just needs some caulk. Thank you so much for your advise!

___________________________________________
from: XXXX@aol.com
to: Fred Decatt
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 2:22 PM
subject: Re: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

if that pic is real then it is a prototype not for sale yet. do you know where i can buy one?

___________________________________________
from: Fred Decatt
to: XXXX@aol.com
date: Fri, Jan 8, 2010 at 2:24 PM
subject: Re: Amphibious Hyundai (defective?) - $1000 (Cambridge)

Yes. I am selling mine for $1000. Please see my post on Craigslist.

I got no further response. AOL probably logged him off so he could get a fax.

Toyota - Please let me purchase a Solid Gold car

2010-01-24T16:42:00.000-08:00

Plus, maybe I could resell it to Cash4Gold; do they make envelopes that big?

Perhaps they couldn't reach me by phone because I didn't give them my number. Hardly an excuse...

Sony - Please help me access Playstation's Neural Network

2010-01-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

Their (two page!) reply:

"In addition" is neither a suitable transition nor an answer to my question. Sigh.

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

2010-01-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

I am fiending pretty hard for some coke; please give me the hook-up...

Guess I will have to find another dealer; maybe I can bulk-order it with my gum.

Best Buy - Please help me broadcast my Ski Wedding

2010-01-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

As promised...

Perhaps they can help cover the event? (unlike those rogues at Skiing Magazine)

That would be quite a lot of equipment to hold while jumping out of a helicopter in Alaska...

And, as an (unanswered) added bonus:

I remain confident my miniseries will be produced.

Skiing Magazine - Please come to my ski wedding (and give me free skis!!)

2010-01-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

This was the email that started it:

from Fred Decatt
to Editor@skiingmag
date Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 9:49 AM
subject Letter to the editor

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently composed this letter about my upcoming ski nuptial to send to your fine publication, but realized I have no stamps, envelopes, or saliva. I have attached a copy here, and will send a hard copy by mail at my soonest convenience.
Hope to hear from you soon!

Best,
Fred Decatt
freddecatt@gmail.com

__________________________________________

Fred Decatt

XXXXXXXXX

July 1, 2009

SKIING Magazine
Editorial and Online Offices
5720 Flatiron Parkway
Boulder, CO 80301

Dear Editor,

I love your magazine! The images are beautiful. The writing is crisp. The text is a reasonable font! It fills me with such joy to read about new extreme slopes to shred, dangerous, avalanche-prone cliffs to launch off, and the shining specimens of ski culture that grace your editorial columns.

Since I have such a fond, supple affinity for your magnanimous publication, I want to give you the opportunity to participate in one of the most important events of my lifetime: my second wedding! I have met the (second) love of my life, and we are planning on tying the knot this winter. We are going to be married while (what else!?) skiing. A helicopter will deliver us to the top of a slope somewhere in the Chugach (location TBA) Our close friend/Reverend/heli-guide will jump out and begin carving down the mountain on his G3 Reverends. Calveen and I will then leap out of the gyrating aircraft, taking care not to get our full wedding attire caught in the door as we depart (I even convinced my young bride to don a full-blaze orange wedding dress, to provide better visibility and contrast for our guests/rescuers). As we continue down the mountain, The Reverend will take our vows and legally marry us while straightlining switch. The symbolism will be apparent as we hurdle down this terrible precipice for which we are only marginally prepared.

We realize this is an ambitious wedding plan, but still want to be able to share it with all our friends and family. Since it is not feasible to have everyone ski down the mountain with us, we were hoping to have a live satellite uplink that would enable everyone to view our ceremony in real time (with a slight delay to cut the feed in case of injury/manglement). We have a talented videographer who will be capturing our nuptial with artistic grace from the ‘copter, and we were hoping you would be interested in hosting this video on your website as a venue for people to tune in! I am sure it would be a popular feature for your stupendous site!

Furthermore, as our favorite magazine, we want to give Skiing Magazine exclusive rights to cover this unique event. We have already been in touch with the producers of an upcoming reality show about extreme weddings, where people get married in exotic manners/locations, such as underwater or on the rim of a volcano, but decided we would rather share our special day with the skiing community that has nurtured, bathed, and supported us. We could give you exclusive interviews with the bride (Calveen!), groom (myself!), bridesmaids (including two Swedish ski bunnies with whom Calveen used to live), along with prime locations to enable you to snap some righteous photos. Your crew could even attend the reception after (bluegrass and kegs of PBR). If you get enough good material, maybe you could write a feature story.

The precise date and location have not been set yet, but if you are interested in participating, we would be happy to coordinate with you to find a prime venue in the Chugach. Money is no object; we just want to be able to share this event with everyone close to us. Maybe you could poll the Skiing Magazine community to see if anyone has suggestions? When we set a date and time, we hope any and all fans (especially Facebook!) of Skiing Magazine will attend!

Sincerely,

Fred Decatt

p.s. My phone is out of service due to a leak in my Tiburon, so please reply by post or email (freddecatt@gmail.com) if you are interested!

*A brief note of exposition:* Skiing Magazine has a contest whereby they give a pair of custom PBR skis to the person who writes them the best letter each month. I was not aware of this provision at the time of my writing. In keeping with my traditions, I did also send them a hard copy of the preceding letter.

___________________________________________
from Editor@skiingmag
to Fred Decatt
date Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 12:47 PM
subject Re: Letter to the editor

Hi Fred,

Wow, we’re flattered. Thanks for the invite! Sounds like quite a wedding. Congratulations.
We probably won’t be able to attend, but you stand a good chance of winning some skis with a letter like that. Stay tuned.

Megan
Skiing Magazine
Boulder, CO
___________________________________________
from Fred Decatt
to Editor@skiingmag
date Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 1:41 PM
subject Re: Letter to the editor

Dear Megan,

Thank you for your prompt reply and wholehearted felicitations! It is a shame you will not be able to attend. I will continue to keep you appraised of the situation as details become more solid. Once we have a firm date and location, maybe you can share with your readership, and all who wish and are able to attend can collectively provide you with some nice photos and anecdotes of the big day.

I had not even considered the free skis, but in retrospect they would be perfect for the wedding! Calveen is desperately in need of a new pair, and I am sure she would be honored to ski on such an honored prize from your esteemed periodical at our wedding.

Please, feel free to contact me if you want any more information about the event!

Sincerely yours,
Fred Decatt

___________________________________________
from Fred Decatt
to Editor@skiingmag
date Sat, Jul 25, 2009 at 3:37 PM
subject Re: Letter to the editor

Hi Megan,

I just wanted to share some more details of the wedding with you. We recently settled on a final date for our skiing marriage tour de force - February 28th! This day is the anniversary of our two cats' sixth litter, and coincidentilly the last day we will be covered under our current health insurance plan. The location is still in flux, but we have a wonderful catering company that is going to assist us with a snow themed cake, and man the 23 kegs of PBR. Our contacts at Best Buy* are going to set us up with a live video feed (our cameraman may have to be carrying a laptop while skiing; a minor technicality). A close family friend and executive at the Body Shop will be distributing specially tailored Coco Butter lotion products as a souvenir for those in attendance. It promises to be an amazing, audacious, acrobatic, anthropomorphic event! Should you reconsider sending a correspondant or two, feel free to let me know; I'm sure we could find some accomodations for staff of our favorite magazine!

Thank you again for your many years of excellent journalism. Collectively, Calveen and I think we have read every issue, except March, 1996, February 1994, December 1989 and December 1977. We are excited to one day be enjoying the January 2067 issue together in a cozy cabin, reading about shredding the slopes of Mars.

Sincerely yours,
Fred Decatt

*stay tuned for the forthcoming letter to Best Buy

___________________________________________
from Editor@skiingmag
to Fred Decatt
date Wed, Aug 5, 2009 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: Letter to the editor

Hi Fred,

Thanks for the update. We’ll mark it on our calendars just in case one of us is in the neighborhood. Sounds like quite an event. Does your wife-to-be know you’re inviting a staff of complete strangers? :)

Keep us posted,

Megan
Skiing Magazine
Boulder, CO

And then (finally) in September:
___________________________________________
from Lifite@skiingmag
to Fred Decatt
date Wed, Aug 5, 2009 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: Letter to the editor

Dear Mr. Decatt,

Once again, I’d like to extend my congratulations to you on your upcoming nuptials. In addition to that, I’d also like to inform you that we loved your letters and you will soon be the owner of custom Skiing Mag PBR K2 skis. If you could send me your address we’ll get them in the mail as soon as we can. Enjoy!

All the Best,

Jake
Skiing Magazine

And then they published my letter! - albeit heavily edited:

And then they sent me skis! - albeit without bindings:

(note the really cool PBR hologram)

And thus I am officially a published author. With a new pair of powder skis. With no bindings.

Also, if anyone talented with photoshop is interested in concocting some "photos" from the wedding, please let me know!

*Special thanks to HP for ski terminology consulting*

Dodge - Please help me locate my Magnum

2010-01-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Also, if I had my illusory Magnum, I could have shot that raccoon...

X-Ray headlights certainly are a complicated variable; no wonder they were overwhelmed.

As an aside, this letter was inspired by in incident in which an acquaintance of mine hit a raccoon with her BMW, and the raccoon won. I blame the German work ethic and their inferior welds.

Sea World - Please open a seal club/exibit!

2010-01-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

Maybe they will let me club (with) seals after all?

Clubbing seals certainly would have helped me "create happiness and memories."

Hurray, it's a new Decade!

2010-01-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2010! I will be posting exciting new letters in the next few days. Until then, observe my newest friend on Twitter! Follow me too at fdecatt!

Seems appropriate...

Thank you, and A Preview of things to come...

2009-12-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I would like to take a moment to thank you for allowing me to prevent you from accomplishing your tasks! Your patronage is greatly admired and awed.

As I am away on holiday, I will not be posting many updates for the remainder of 2009. Fear not, though, for there are many exciting developments to be revealed in 2010, including:

- a letter that won me a free pair of skis and a magazine publication

- a letter that resulted in a call to my parents

- a letter that caused the police to come to my house

As a parting gift for 2009, I leave you with three unanswered letters; hopefully one day they will receive a matched response.

Sincerely yours,

Fred Decatt

Pepsi - Please label your diet sodas more carefully:

U.S. Naval Observatory - Please inform me about time travelling edicts:

Treasure Island - Please host my pirate-stripper wedding:

Ford - Please understand the dangers of your Fusion car's reactor

2009-12-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

They sent me this envelope:

...containing the following message:

This is imminently troubling; perhaps my fears are well-founded?

I was sadly not graced with a reply from these vagabonds.

Wrigley - Please let me buy 10,000 packages of gum

2009-12-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

They offer advice:

My cats were disappointed

Aqua - Please let me propose at your restaurant!

2009-12-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

They kindly agreed to help...

I unfortunately was not able to contact them due to my faulty, water-logged phone.

Blue Heron - Please cater my "extreme" Underwater wedding

2009-12-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

Their insightful reply!:

Extreme reality TV!!!!

Amiee Alan - Please cater my Volcano wedding

2009-12-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Their reply:

My reply:

Their next reply:

My final reply:

Sadly, they did not want to come to Kazakhstan

Mitsubishi - Please help me fix my erratic car!

2009-12-10T20:32:00.001-08:00

Mitsubishi's response:

My reply:

Their 2nd (second) respone:

Hyundai - Please help me activate amphibious mode

2009-12-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

Their (first) reply:

My Response:

Their Second (2nd) reply:

That would explain the leaking.

JetBlue - Please enjoy my compliments on a job well done!

2009-12-10T19:54:00.000-08:00

Their reply:

Nissan - Please let me buy a 2014 Sentra

2009-12-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Their reply:

Four Seasons - Please help me book a room in 2023

2009-12-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

Their reply:

Lufthansa - Please cater my aerial wedding

2009-12-10T19:36:00.001-08:00

Their reply:

Hi, I'm Fred, Welcome to my Website!

2009-12-10T19:27:00.001-08:00

Dear Reader,

Thank you for visiting my site! I sincerely hope you enjoy my User Generated Content of Real Letters to Real People! I eagerly await your mellifluous comments and correspondence!

Kindly yours,

Fred Decatt

Take me back!