RAID - My neighborhood is filled with WASPs!

I recently unearthed this letter from the depths of my side table, deeply nested much like WASPs:

WASPs are a serious problem; luckily, SC Johnson was eager to help:

Gorton's Fisherman - Please bake my goldfish into a fishstick!

Dear friends,

I found some old letters! And old fish! Please enjoy. 

With only a week delay, Mr. Gorton wrote me back:

Sadly for Tilapia, he will not be memorialized in a fishstick. But he will always be remembered. As a fish. 

Ms. Buttersworth: Please clarify the race of your syrup!

So, I've been a bit delinquent in posting. This was largely due to the copious amounts of waffle eating and cross country moving I was doing. As a result of the waffle eating, however, I became very well acquainted with my good syrupy friend, Ms. Butterswoth, prompting the following:

Soon after, much to my excitement, I received the following:

Planet Fitness: Please Improve your Facilities!

Recently, whilst walking past a gym near my abode, I noticed the following sign:

This struck me as being a terrible deal. The gym, Planet Fitness, is also known for its unique exercise theories such as providing free pizza and bagels, and fostering a "judgement free zone", which my roommate aptly noted is actually spelled wrong (or at least unconventionally). Thusly, I composed the following:

Geico - Please send me a gecko!

Like many of you, I hate Geico. For no other reason than the fact that their commercials are omnipresent and soul-crushing. With this in mind, I decided to write them: 

Several days later, I received a box containing the following:

General Mills - Please discontinue production of your offensive cereal, Cheerios!

Inspired by a true, similar story, I composed the following:

Several weeks later, GM wrote back:

Citibank - Please fulfill my wish to become a badger/bird whisperer!

As some of you may know, Citibank has a reward points system for their credit cards, which they claim can be used to help you fulfill any wish you may have. So I submitted the following request:

They replied with the following:

American Airlines - Please let me shave during takeoff

Several months ago, I read the following article. I was particularly surprised to discover that I am legally permitted to use an electric razor during takeoff and landing while on an airplane, but not use a Kindle. This needed to be addressed. Hence, the following:

Several months later, I received the following reply:

I guess they should re-read circular 91.21-1B before making such cavalier statements about what is and isn't allowed during takeoff. I should demand a full refund for discriminating against my beard. 

Shaw's Supermarket - Please play more Pagan music at your stores

This last December, I became quite fed up with the excessive playing of Christmas music in stores. Ignoring the fact that this barrage of carols began the day after Halloween, completely bypassing the opportunity to play classic Thanksgiving tunes like "The Year 1620" and "Death to the Injuns", I decided to lodge a complaint:

Shortly thereafter, I received an e-reply:

ACCO - Please rectify my Satanic Swingline Stapler!

After drawing a mean face on my stapler at work, I composed the following letter:

Several days later, I received the following reply, with one of my favorite subject lines: 

President Obama - Please attend my wedding in Space!

Last year, I wrote the following letter to our illustrious leader: 

Several months later (right around the time of my alleged wedding, in fact), I received the following envelope:

...containing the following charming note: 

What a lovely message! Too bad the President couldn't come to my space wedding, but it's nice to see he cared enough to write me back. And thank you, tax payers, for the $1 worth of effort it probably took to send this out.

iRobot - Please fix my insolent Roomba!

Dear friends,

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. The good news is, many more will be forthcoming now that I have had a chance to rebuild my inventory. Your readership is appreciated!

More substantial updates will follow shortly, but enjoy this brief exchange inspired by my Cat apartment:

The fine folks at iRobot hastily replied:

There's something strangely sinister about the last line of that signature. Anyway, several days later, I received the following:

Given the bland formulaic response, it's clear iRobot is taking their own advice and letting their robots write their emails for them. As an aside, an acquaintance of mine used to work at iRobot, and now builds missiles. I guess it would be more troubling if that job ordering had been reversed, but still, apparently the skill set is transferable...

DC Craigslist - Please sublet my apartment while I attend the Danish Cat Convention

So I recently completed a horrid search for a DC summer sublet. In an effort to understand why it was so hard to find a place, I decided to place an ad for an apartment of my own:

$900 in Dupont is a good deal, but I figured the 16 cats would be quite the deterrent. Apparently I was wrong. Responses started trickling in; many seemed quite determined:

Apparently Cousin Garth wasn't a deal-breaker either, but I didn't want to lead her on in case she really thought this was going to work out:

Blogger Fail!

Dear friends,

Thank you to the 15,000 who came to visit my humble site yesterday. I would like to think you helped contribute to the horrible Blogger meltdown that resulted in the deletion of my post , but it sounds like Blogger managed to screw it up all on their own. The DC Craigslist Cat Apartment post should be restored soon, but until then, enjoy some old favorites (EDIT: DC Sublet post restored!):

Four Seasons - Please help me book a room in 2023

Hyundai - Please help me activate amphibious mode

Amiee Alan - Please cater my Volcano wedding

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

More to come imminently.

Vdara Hotel - Please let me inspect your Death Ray!

Recently, many of you may have heard about the "Death Ray" featured at the new Vdara hotel in Las Vegas. The concave curve of the building efficiently and effectively focuses sunlight, gently steaming pool occupants. As CEO of Emulsification Kill Rays, Inc., I knew I had to contact Vdara:

6 months later (?), they sent the following email: 

Guess they have better things to do than reply to my letters. Like solve their Death Ray problem. Maybe I'll host the next EKR corporate board retreat there. 

Furry Toys Tours - Please take my stuffed cat(s) on vacation!

Recently, while conducting a routine search for stuffed-animal tour companies, I cam across the following: http://www.furrytoystours.com/

I was thrilled at the prospect of finally getting to spend money to send my stuffed animals on vacation, so I sent them the following email:

Surprisingly (or maybe not?), they replied:

What Great News! This would be a fantastic opportunity to promote the Performing Troop:

For more information on why I don't trust FedEx, see here.

After a few more days of delay, I received the following: 

Those damn French. They're probably just still jealous that our Revolution involved substantially less guillotining.

Xtreme Taxidermy - Please embalm my dead cats!

Recently, while searching for an extreme taxidermist, I came across the following website: http://www.xtremetaxidermy.com/

I was awed and inspired by their fantastic website. In particular, I was drawn to their "pet preservation service", described as follows: "We will now be offering a very special service known as pet preservation. We realize that pets are a very important part of our lives, and when it is time that we must say goodbye to them, we can offer a loving and lasting alternative to burial or cremation. A new process known as freeze dry preservation affords pet owners a way to preserve their pet in a visible and restful manner."

What better way to say goodbye than to freeze a loved one into a permanent position and creepily display them in an obscure corner of your home? If it's good enough for Jabba, it's good enough for me, so I decided to inquire about their services:

Sadly, my reputation caught up with me:

I received no further response. In all likelihood, they are probably busy on-site filming their impending reality TV show. Still, I am grateful for their playful response. If any of you have extreme taxidermy needs, I highly recommend the fine folks at Xtreme Taxidermy. 

Delta Airlines - Please let me purchase one of your uncomfortable seats!

I recently flew on Delta Airlines, and was impressed with their extreme discomfort. I decided to write the airline and praise them on their accomplishment:

25 days later (not to be concerned with the zombie movie of proximate name) I received the following: 

American Mustache Institute - Please let me join your mustachioed ranks!

As I am sure many of you were, I was deeply moved by Mr. Jimmy McMillan's The Rent Is Too Damn High party. I was also thrilled to discover he received a ringing endorsement from the American Mustache Institute, thus prompting the following email:

Shortly after, they replied:

I am now an honorary member of the American Mustache Institute. Jimmy McMillan has nothing on me. 

Also, it is really worth visiting Mr. McMillan's site

San Francisco Giants - Please sign my baseball card!

In the spirit of post-season baseball:

Several days later, I received the following and nothing more:

Nate isn't a starter - there's no way he's so important that he can't answer a few of my questions. I have taken the liberty of answering them myself in his stead based on careful internet research about his preferences:

1. Chocolate Lava Cake

2. No. 

3. "Hey."

4. Certainly

5. I am colorblind. My favorite color is grayish black. 

6. When I was 12, I accidentally killed my cat with a line drive to the head. He was by far the worst first baseman I've ever played with. 

Fascinating facts, Nate! Thanks for the card, Juanito will be thrilled. 

Crayola - Please replace my lost Crayon!

More excitement:

As an aside, I actually know the person who came up with the title of the color, "Robin's Egg Blue." I think he won a lifetime supply of Crayons as a result. Luckily Crayola replied:

Harmony Wynelands - Please cater my divorce!

I got tired of marriage letters, so I decided to try a new tactic:

Scheduling a divorce clown is hard. Someone should also probably mention that they spelled "Wineland" wrong, and also that even "wineland" isn't a real word. Nevertheless, they graciously replied:

All types of parties? Makes the mind wander....... Sadly, I never managed to make it out to Lodi. Maybe if Amiee Alan Catering had been willing to cater my Kazakh wedding, we wouldn't have gotten off on the wrong foot.  

Videojug - Please let me become a writer for your site!

A few weeks ago I received the following email

This is very exciting. I am finally getting the notoriety I deserve. Maybe now I can be a Successful Blogger, although it is a little unclear what my "expertise" is.... Amphibious Vehicles perhaps? 

Updates, sort of!

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to announce that a somewhat altered version of the Glamour post has been returned to the site. Certain parties were upset that I had posted certain things, so I had to make certain accommodations to prevent certain people from being certainly fired from their certain jobs. At least they didn't call the crack Cambridge Police. You can view it at http://freddecatt.blogspot.com/2010/05/glamour-magazine-please-publish-my.html.

I also have two new letters to post, but sadly packed them away somewhere when moving apartments. I will post those as soon as I can locate them. More responses should be coming down the pipeline soon though!

Until then, enjoy this non-respondent letter, and this item I found for sale on the local town kiosk:

Given that 8 months have elapsed, and my grapefruit would be pretty moldy by now, I think it's safe to assume they aren't replying. 

Pay attention to the 3rd item for sale below; this may have to factor into future correspondence:

That says what I think it says, right? 

I apologize again profusely for my negligence towards updates!

Updates to come!

Hello dear friends,

Due to recent events, there have not been updates. But, there will be. So stay tuned. Also, note that the Glamour post has been temporarily removed at the request of certain parties. It should be back up soon, but regardless, it is immortalized forever in the annals of the magazine.

Sincerely,

Fred Decatt

ChooseCo - Please send me a signed Choose Your Own Adventure

A letter to R.A. Montgomery, writer for the Choose Your Own Adventure book series:

Several days later, I received a padded envelope with the following; only this and nothing more

Turning to the opening pages, I noticed I had received my autograph:

British Lottery - Please give me my winnings!

I received this email recently:

This is exciting! 500,000 British Pounds without even entering the lottery! That's how most lotteries make money. I informed them of my interest and received the following in reply:

I reply: