ACCO - Please rectify my Satanic Swingline Stapler!

After drawing a mean face on my stapler at work, I composed the following letter:

Several days later, I received the following reply, with one of my favorite subject lines: 

President Obama - Please attend my wedding in Space!

Last year, I wrote the following letter to our illustrious leader: 

Several months later (right around the time of my alleged wedding, in fact), I received the following envelope:

...containing the following charming note: 

What a lovely message! Too bad the President couldn't come to my space wedding, but it's nice to see he cared enough to write me back. And thank you, tax payers, for the $1 worth of effort it probably took to send this out.

iRobot - Please fix my insolent Roomba!

Dear friends,

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. The good news is, many more will be forthcoming now that I have had a chance to rebuild my inventory. Your readership is appreciated!

More substantial updates will follow shortly, but enjoy this brief exchange inspired by my Cat apartment:

The fine folks at iRobot hastily replied:

There's something strangely sinister about the last line of that signature. Anyway, several days later, I received the following:

Given the bland formulaic response, it's clear iRobot is taking their own advice and letting their robots write their emails for them. As an aside, an acquaintance of mine used to work at iRobot, and now builds missiles. I guess it would be more troubling if that job ordering had been reversed, but still, apparently the skill set is transferable...

DC Craigslist - Please sublet my apartment while I attend the Danish Cat Convention

So I recently completed a horrid search for a DC summer sublet. In an effort to understand why it was so hard to find a place, I decided to place an ad for an apartment of my own:

$900 in Dupont is a good deal, but I figured the 16 cats would be quite the deterrent. Apparently I was wrong. Responses started trickling in; many seemed quite determined:

Apparently Cousin Garth wasn't a deal-breaker either, but I didn't want to lead her on in case she really thought this was going to work out:

Blogger Fail!

Dear friends,

Thank you to the 15,000 who came to visit my humble site yesterday. I would like to think you helped contribute to the horrible Blogger meltdown that resulted in the deletion of my post , but it sounds like Blogger managed to screw it up all on their own. The DC Craigslist Cat Apartment post should be restored soon, but until then, enjoy some old favorites (EDIT: DC Sublet post restored!):

Four Seasons - Please help me book a room in 2023

Hyundai - Please help me activate amphibious mode

Amiee Alan - Please cater my Volcano wedding

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

More to come imminently.

Vdara Hotel - Please let me inspect your Death Ray!

Recently, many of you may have heard about the "Death Ray" featured at the new Vdara hotel in Las Vegas. The concave curve of the building efficiently and effectively focuses sunlight, gently steaming pool occupants. As CEO of Emulsification Kill Rays, Inc., I knew I had to contact Vdara:

6 months later (?), they sent the following email: 

Guess they have better things to do than reply to my letters. Like solve their Death Ray problem. Maybe I'll host the next EKR corporate board retreat there. 

Furry Toys Tours - Please take my stuffed cat(s) on vacation!

Recently, while conducting a routine search for stuffed-animal tour companies, I cam across the following: http://www.furrytoystours.com/

I was thrilled at the prospect of finally getting to spend money to send my stuffed animals on vacation, so I sent them the following email:

Surprisingly (or maybe not?), they replied:

What Great News! This would be a fantastic opportunity to promote the Performing Troop:

For more information on why I don't trust FedEx, see here.

After a few more days of delay, I received the following: 

Those damn French. They're probably just still jealous that our Revolution involved substantially less guillotining.

Xtreme Taxidermy - Please embalm my dead cats!

Recently, while searching for an extreme taxidermist, I came across the following website: http://www.xtremetaxidermy.com/

I was awed and inspired by their fantastic website. In particular, I was drawn to their "pet preservation service", described as follows: "We will now be offering a very special service known as pet preservation. We realize that pets are a very important part of our lives, and when it is time that we must say goodbye to them, we can offer a loving and lasting alternative to burial or cremation. A new process known as freeze dry preservation affords pet owners a way to preserve their pet in a visible and restful manner."

What better way to say goodbye than to freeze a loved one into a permanent position and creepily display them in an obscure corner of your home? If it's good enough for Jabba, it's good enough for me, so I decided to inquire about their services:

Sadly, my reputation caught up with me:

I received no further response. In all likelihood, they are probably busy on-site filming their impending reality TV show. Still, I am grateful for their playful response. If any of you have extreme taxidermy needs, I highly recommend the fine folks at Xtreme Taxidermy.