Ms. Buttersworth: Please clarify the race of your syrup!

So, I've been a bit delinquent in posting. This was largely due to the copious amounts of waffle eating and cross country moving I was doing. As a result of the waffle eating, however, I became very well acquainted with my good syrupy friend, Ms. Butterswoth, prompting the following:

Soon after, much to my excitement, I received the following:

iRobot - Please fix my insolent Roomba!

Dear friends,

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. The good news is, many more will be forthcoming now that I have had a chance to rebuild my inventory. Your readership is appreciated!

More substantial updates will follow shortly, but enjoy this brief exchange inspired by my Cat apartment:

The fine folks at iRobot hastily replied:

There's something strangely sinister about the last line of that signature. Anyway, several days later, I received the following:

Given the bland formulaic response, it's clear iRobot is taking their own advice and letting their robots write their emails for them. As an aside, an acquaintance of mine used to work at iRobot, and now builds missiles. I guess it would be more troubling if that job ordering had been reversed, but still, apparently the skill set is transferable...

DC Craigslist - Please sublet my apartment while I attend the Danish Cat Convention

So I recently completed a horrid search for a DC summer sublet. In an effort to understand why it was so hard to find a place, I decided to place an ad for an apartment of my own:

$900 in Dupont is a good deal, but I figured the 16 cats would be quite the deterrent. Apparently I was wrong. Responses started trickling in; many seemed quite determined:

Apparently Cousin Garth wasn't a deal-breaker either, but I didn't want to lead her on in case she really thought this was going to work out:

Furry Toys Tours - Please take my stuffed cat(s) on vacation!

Recently, while conducting a routine search for stuffed-animal tour companies, I cam across the following: http://www.furrytoystours.com/

I was thrilled at the prospect of finally getting to spend money to send my stuffed animals on vacation, so I sent them the following email:

Surprisingly (or maybe not?), they replied:

What Great News! This would be a fantastic opportunity to promote the Performing Troop:

For more information on why I don't trust FedEx, see here.

After a few more days of delay, I received the following: 

Those damn French. They're probably just still jealous that our Revolution involved substantially less guillotining.

Xtreme Taxidermy - Please embalm my dead cats!

Recently, while searching for an extreme taxidermist, I came across the following website: http://www.xtremetaxidermy.com/

I was awed and inspired by their fantastic website. In particular, I was drawn to their "pet preservation service", described as follows: "We will now be offering a very special service known as pet preservation. We realize that pets are a very important part of our lives, and when it is time that we must say goodbye to them, we can offer a loving and lasting alternative to burial or cremation. A new process known as freeze dry preservation affords pet owners a way to preserve their pet in a visible and restful manner."

What better way to say goodbye than to freeze a loved one into a permanent position and creepily display them in an obscure corner of your home? If it's good enough for Jabba, it's good enough for me, so I decided to inquire about their services:

Sadly, my reputation caught up with me:

I received no further response. In all likelihood, they are probably busy on-site filming their impending reality TV show. Still, I am grateful for their playful response. If any of you have extreme taxidermy needs, I highly recommend the fine folks at Xtreme Taxidermy. 

San Francisco Giants - Please sign my baseball card!

In the spirit of post-season baseball:

Several days later, I received the following and nothing more:

Nate isn't a starter - there's no way he's so important that he can't answer a few of my questions. I have taken the liberty of answering them myself in his stead based on careful internet research about his preferences:

1. Chocolate Lava Cake

2. No. 

3. "Hey."

4. Certainly

5. I am colorblind. My favorite color is grayish black. 

6. When I was 12, I accidentally killed my cat with a line drive to the head. He was by far the worst first baseman I've ever played with. 

Fascinating facts, Nate! Thanks for the card, Juanito will be thrilled. 

Craigslist Users - Please accompany me on a Cougar Hunting expedition

I was recently informed that there is a large Cougar problem in Cambridge. I have thusly resolved to offer my services to help:

I received a number of curious responses to this post. Note that they are all "safe for work" but get a little... weird.....

Kensington Hilltop - Please let me train my seeing-eye cats on your campus!

After careful consideration, they reply with the following email:

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my poorly performing Tiburon

You might want to read this first for background:

In response to this post, I received about 30 emails of prospective buyers. Most were ready to buy, sight unseen; $1000 is apparently a good price for a leaky Tiburon. No one seemed to be fazed by the car's poor underwater performances until the following:

Wrigley - Please let me buy 10,000 packages of gum

They offer advice:

My cats were disappointed

Mitsubishi - Please help me fix my erratic car!

Mitsubishi's response:

My reply:

Their 2nd (second) respone: