Sunday, January 31, 2010

1000 Visitors! (UPDATE: Now with Australians AND Antarcticans!)

Dear Readers,

Thank you kindly for your patronage! Due to your diligent forwarding, over 1000 people have ingested the contumelious content of this site! I am especially thankful to my international readers (Hi Germany!) and my subcutaneous readers (Hi Blood Parasites!). Readers have visited from 5 different continents already, but we are still missing Australia and Antarctica. If you know of any friends/scientists/hunters in those regions, please forward this on so we can have Full Representation!

Furthermore, take a minute to Friend me on Facebook (there's also a button on the right --->), and join the fan page. This will make sure you are Up To Date, and more importantly, capable of sharing with your friends at the South Pole. If you prefer "tweets" and "twittering," you can also "follow" me at fdecatt

As an added incentive, if you entice a visitor from Australia or Antarctica, I will gladly send you a personal thank you letter and Certificate of Accomplishment. So start sharing!

********* UPDATE *********

One day after posting this, I already received an Australian Viewer! What Joy! If anyone would like to claim responsibility for this bounty and receive your reward, either comment here or send me a message on Facebook! Thank you again for your diligence - let's get Antarctica now.


We have an Antarctican! What a glorious Day!


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my poorly performing Tiburon

You might want to read this first for background:

In response to this post, I received about 30 emails of prospective buyers. Most were ready to buy, sight unseen; $1000 is apparently a good price for a leaky Tiburon. No one seemed to be fazed by the car's poor underwater performances until the following:

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Toyota - Please let me purchase a Solid Gold car

Plus, maybe I could resell it to Cash4Gold; do they make envelopes that big?

Perhaps they couldn't reach me by phone because I didn't give them my number. Hardly an excuse...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sony - Please help me access Playstation's Neural Network

Their (two page!) reply:

"In addition" is neither a suitable transition nor an answer to my question. Sigh.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

I am fiending pretty hard for some coke; please give me the hook-up...

Guess I will have to find another dealer; maybe I can bulk-order it with my gum. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Best Buy - Please help me broadcast my Ski Wedding

As promised...

Perhaps they can help cover the event? (unlike those rogues at Skiing Magazine)

That would be quite a lot of equipment to hold while jumping out of a helicopter in Alaska...

And, as an (unanswered) added bonus:

I remain confident my miniseries will be produced.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Skiing Magazine - Please come to my ski wedding (and give me free skis!!)

This was the email that started it: 

from Fred Decatt
to Editor@skiingmag
date Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 9:49 AM
subject Letter to the editor

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently composed this letter about my upcoming ski nuptial to send to your fine publication, but realized I have no stamps, envelopes, or saliva. I have attached a copy here, and will send a hard copy by mail at my soonest convenience.
Hope to hear from you soon!

Fred Decatt

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Dodge - Please help me locate my Magnum

Also, if I had my illusory Magnum, I could have shot that raccoon...

X-Ray headlights certainly are a complicated variable; no wonder they were overwhelmed.

As an aside, this letter was inspired by in incident in which an acquaintance of mine hit a raccoon with her BMW, and the raccoon won. I blame the German work ethic and their inferior welds.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Sea World - Please open a seal club/exibit!

Maybe they will let me club (with) seals after all?

Clubbing seals certainly would have helped me "create happiness and memories."

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hurray, it's a new Decade!

Welcome to 2010! I will be posting exciting new letters in the next few days. Until then, observe my newest friend on Twitter! Follow me too at fdecatt!

Seems appropriate...