General Mills - Please discontinue production of your offensive cereal, Cheerios!

Inspired by a true, similar story, I composed the following:

Several weeks later, GM wrote back:

Citibank - Please fulfill my wish to become a badger/bird whisperer!

As some of you may know, Citibank has a reward points system for their credit cards, which they claim can be used to help you fulfill any wish you may have. So I submitted the following request:

They replied with the following:

American Airlines - Please let me shave during takeoff

Several months ago, I read the following article. I was particularly surprised to discover that I am legally permitted to use an electric razor during takeoff and landing while on an airplane, but not use a Kindle. This needed to be addressed. Hence, the following:

Several months later, I received the following reply:

I guess they should re-read circular 91.21-1B before making such cavalier statements about what is and isn't allowed during takeoff. I should demand a full refund for discriminating against my beard. 

Shaw's Supermarket - Please play more Pagan music at your stores

This last December, I became quite fed up with the excessive playing of Christmas music in stores. Ignoring the fact that this barrage of carols began the day after Halloween, completely bypassing the opportunity to play classic Thanksgiving tunes like "The Year 1620" and "Death to the Injuns", I decided to lodge a complaint:

Shortly thereafter, I received an e-reply: