Kensington Hilltop - Please let me train my seeing-eye cats on your campus!

After careful consideration, they reply with the following email:

3M - Please let me bulk order Scotch Tape for my King Kong replica

They reply with bureaucratic poise:

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my snake, Hissers

More Craigslist tomfoolery:

I received more responses than I would care to document. However, some highlights below:

Fed Ex - Please ship my box full of venomous snakes!

A prolegomenous Note: While I did have a complaint with Fed Ex which prompted me to write this letter, it did not quite adhere to the details as described below; although it may seem unlikely, I do have some scruples, and retain complaint letters for those parties deserving of them.  

They craft the graceful reply below; perhaps I can schedule a pick-up of my box?

Goodyear - Please let me ride in your illustrious blimp!

Persistence sometimes pays off, in theory:

The following was then posted into an online "blimp inquiry form" (!) on their website:

They finally wrote back with a series of curious emails: Read On to see the screen shots (cut and paste gets tiresome)

My Dentist - Please help me overcome my amnesia!

Several months after unwillingly and unknowingly consenting to having four cavities stuffed full of mercury, I received this unceremonious letter from my rapacious dentist (I have withheld his name, as he actually did a nice job with my shiny, toxic new molars):

I replied:

They clarified:

That very same day, they left the following message on my parents' (!!) answering machine (a questionable use of the "emergency contact" information; aside from my amnesia, I believe I appear quite stable):

"Hello, I am calling regarding your son. He claims to have suffered a bout of amnesia, and is having some trouble recalling the services we performed for him at his recent office visit. We were hoping you could explain to him that he recently had four cavities filled, and he needs to remit payment in the amount of $178.25. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

My parents phoned me frantically. I paid the dentist in full the next day. Touche.