Delta Airlines - Please let me purchase one of your uncomfortable seats!

I recently flew on Delta Airlines, and was impressed with their extreme discomfort. I decided to write the airline and praise them on their accomplishment:

25 days later (not to be concerned with the zombie movie of proximate name) I received the following: 

American Mustache Institute - Please let me join your mustachioed ranks!

As I am sure many of you were, I was deeply moved by Mr. Jimmy McMillan's The Rent Is Too Damn High party. I was also thrilled to discover he received a ringing endorsement from the American Mustache Institute, thus prompting the following email:

Shortly after, they replied:

I am now an honorary member of the American Mustache Institute. Jimmy McMillan has nothing on me. 

Also, it is really worth visiting Mr. McMillan's site

San Francisco Giants - Please sign my baseball card!

In the spirit of post-season baseball:

Several days later, I received the following and nothing more:

Nate isn't a starter - there's no way he's so important that he can't answer a few of my questions. I have taken the liberty of answering them myself in his stead based on careful internet research about his preferences:

1. Chocolate Lava Cake

2. No. 

3. "Hey."

4. Certainly

5. I am colorblind. My favorite color is grayish black. 

6. When I was 12, I accidentally killed my cat with a line drive to the head. He was by far the worst first baseman I've ever played with. 

Fascinating facts, Nate! Thanks for the card, Juanito will be thrilled. 

Crayola - Please replace my lost Crayon!

More excitement:

As an aside, I actually know the person who came up with the title of the color, "Robin's Egg Blue." I think he won a lifetime supply of Crayons as a result. Luckily Crayola replied:

Harmony Wynelands - Please cater my divorce!

I got tired of marriage letters, so I decided to try a new tactic:

Scheduling a divorce clown is hard. Someone should also probably mention that they spelled "Wineland" wrong, and also that even "wineland" isn't a real word. Nevertheless, they graciously replied:

All types of parties? Makes the mind wander....... Sadly, I never managed to make it out to Lodi. Maybe if Amiee Alan Catering had been willing to cater my Kazakh wedding, we wouldn't have gotten off on the wrong foot.  

Videojug - Please let me become a writer for your site!

A few weeks ago I received the following email

This is very exciting. I am finally getting the notoriety I deserve. Maybe now I can be a Successful Blogger, although it is a little unclear what my "expertise" is.... Amphibious Vehicles perhaps? 

Updates, sort of!

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to announce that a somewhat altered version of the Glamour post has been returned to the site. Certain parties were upset that I had posted certain things, so I had to make certain accommodations to prevent certain people from being certainly fired from their certain jobs. At least they didn't call the crack Cambridge Police. You can view it at http://freddecatt.blogspot.com/2010/05/glamour-magazine-please-publish-my.html.

I also have two new letters to post, but sadly packed them away somewhere when moving apartments. I will post those as soon as I can locate them. More responses should be coming down the pipeline soon though!

Until then, enjoy this non-respondent letter, and this item I found for sale on the local town kiosk:

Given that 8 months have elapsed, and my grapefruit would be pretty moldy by now, I think it's safe to assume they aren't replying. 

Pay attention to the 3rd item for sale below; this may have to factor into future correspondence:

That says what I think it says, right? 

I apologize again profusely for my negligence towards updates!

Updates to come!

Hello dear friends,

Due to recent events, there have not been updates. But, there will be. So stay tuned. Also, note that the Glamour post has been temporarily removed at the request of certain parties. It should be back up soon, but regardless, it is immortalized forever in the annals of the magazine.

Sincerely,

Fred Decatt

ChooseCo - Please send me a signed Choose Your Own Adventure

A letter to R.A. Montgomery, writer for the Choose Your Own Adventure book series:

Several days later, I received a padded envelope with the following; only this and nothing more

Turning to the opening pages, I noticed I had received my autograph:

British Lottery - Please give me my winnings!

I received this email recently:

This is exciting! 500,000 British Pounds without even entering the lottery! That's how most lotteries make money. I informed them of my interest and received the following in reply:

I reply:

Glamour Magazine - Please publish my apology for ruining someone's wedding! (Updated 8/2/2010)

***** NOTE *****

Due to a request from Glamour, certain aspects of this post had to be edited. If you saw an earlier version of this post, you should probably go back in time and not look at it. Sandwiches are a good way to distract your past self. In fact, you should probably just go make one right now and not bother (re)reading this in the first place. 

****************

I received this prompt by email from Helpareporter (the same organization that connected me with the Mayan Wedding people.) Note that this is punctuated "Help a Reporter," not "Help! A Reporter!":

This sounds like a great chance for Calveen to make her authorial debut:

Apparently I've been doing this for awhile...

A friend of mine just forwarded me the following letter:

Note the date; apparently, I've been writing these letters since I was 15. This is surprising, since I was pretty sure I had started this in 2007. Maybe the Cambridge police were right, and I really should seek mental help...

In other news, if anyone is interested in illustrating some Vikings for a new project I am working on me, please send me an email at freddecatt(at)gmail.

Disney - Please send my Son a Mickey Mouse Autograph

Disney is fun

Several weeks later, I received an envelope filled with the following:

They also sent me a mini puzzle and some stickers. I was a little perturbed that they did not admonish that insolent Juanito for not eating his veggies. Maybe Donald Duck would have helped. 

Engaged couple - Please be in my upcoming show on Extreme Weddings!

After getting tired of writing people myself, I submitted the following "request for stories" for my upcoming periodical, Extreme Wedding Magazine:

I received the following reply; she played along nicely, so I have kindly omitted (most) of her name:

Colgate - Please help me understand your confusing Tooth Paste

After some delay, they help me to understand:

Presidential Who's Who - Please let me join your esteemed organization

I found the following fax at my office:

This is an exciting opportunity. A quick glance at their website confirms that they are a respected organization. They have a jingle when you click on menus. And a quote from  the President of Kansas (the quotation marks are theirs): -Everyone has been very helpful and considerate of my time.You have made this a pleasant experience. "Steven Reynolds ,President" Kansas.

And to top it off, "In addition to our annual publication, Presidential Who’s Who offers its membership an elegant wall plaque that will define you as a high achiever to all who enter your workplace."

I am so excited my business can finally be recognized for its contributions through wall plaques:

Several weeks later, I was surprised to receive the following reply:

Metlife - Please let me feature your Blimp in my wedding

A lot of themes coming together in this one...

Hopefully they will be more accommodating than the Goodyear brigands...

Michelin Tires - Please let me meet the Michelin Man/Don't arrest me

The much-anticipated letter(s) to Michelin:

A week or so after receiving this letter, I received a knock on my door, which I opened to reveal two burly looking gentlemen. A rough transcript of the conversation follows:

Craigslist Users - Please accompany me on a Cougar Hunting expedition

I was recently informed that there is a large Cougar problem in Cambridge. I have thusly resolved to offer my services to help:

I received a number of curious responses to this post. Note that they are all "safe for work" but get a little... weird.....

Kensington Hilltop - Please let me train my seeing-eye cats on your campus!

After careful consideration, they reply with the following email:

3M - Please let me bulk order Scotch Tape for my King Kong replica

They reply with bureaucratic poise:

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my snake, Hissers

More Craigslist tomfoolery:

I received more responses than I would care to document. However, some highlights below:

Fed Ex - Please ship my box full of venomous snakes!

A prolegomenous Note: While I did have a complaint with Fed Ex which prompted me to write this letter, it did not quite adhere to the details as described below; although it may seem unlikely, I do have some scruples, and retain complaint letters for those parties deserving of them.  

They craft the graceful reply below; perhaps I can schedule a pick-up of my box?

Goodyear - Please let me ride in your illustrious blimp!

Persistence sometimes pays off, in theory:

The following was then posted into an online "blimp inquiry form" (!) on their website:

They finally wrote back with a series of curious emails: Read On to see the screen shots (cut and paste gets tiresome)

My Dentist - Please help me overcome my amnesia!

Several months after unwillingly and unknowingly consenting to having four cavities stuffed full of mercury, I received this unceremonious letter from my rapacious dentist (I have withheld his name, as he actually did a nice job with my shiny, toxic new molars):

I replied:

They clarified:

That very same day, they left the following message on my parents' (!!) answering machine (a questionable use of the "emergency contact" information; aside from my amnesia, I believe I appear quite stable):

"Hello, I am calling regarding your son. He claims to have suffered a bout of amnesia, and is having some trouble recalling the services we performed for him at his recent office visit. We were hoping you could explain to him that he recently had four cavities filled, and he needs to remit payment in the amount of $178.25. Please feel free to call me if you have any questions."

My parents phoned me frantically. I paid the dentist in full the next day. Touche.

1000 Visitors! (UPDATE: Now with Australians AND Antarcticans!)

Dear Readers,

Thank you kindly for your patronage! Due to your diligent forwarding, over 1000 people have ingested the contumelious content of this site! I am especially thankful to my international readers (Hi Germany!) and my subcutaneous readers (Hi Blood Parasites!). Readers have visited from 5 different continents already, but we are still missing Australia and Antarctica. If you know of any friends/scientists/hunters in those regions, please forward this on so we can have Full Representation!

Furthermore, take a minute to Friend me on Facebook (there's also a button on the right --->), and join the fan page. This will make sure you are Up To Date, and more importantly, capable of sharing with your friends at the South Pole. If you prefer "tweets" and "twittering," you can also "follow" me at fdecatt. 

As an added incentive, if you entice a visitor from Australia or Antarctica, I will gladly send you a personal thank you letter and Certificate of Accomplishment. So start sharing!

********* UPDATE *********

One day after posting this, I already received an Australian Viewer! What Joy! If anyone would like to claim responsibility for this bounty and receive your reward, either comment here or send me a message on Facebook! Thank you again for your diligence - let's get Antarctica now.

**** FURTHER UPDATE ****

We have an Antarctican! What a glorious Day!

**************************

Craigslist Users - Please purchase my poorly performing Tiburon

You might want to read this first for background:

In response to this post, I received about 30 emails of prospective buyers. Most were ready to buy, sight unseen; $1000 is apparently a good price for a leaky Tiburon. No one seemed to be fazed by the car's poor underwater performances until the following:

Toyota - Please let me purchase a Solid Gold car

Plus, maybe I could resell it to Cash4Gold; do they make envelopes that big?

Perhaps they couldn't reach me by phone because I didn't give them my number. Hardly an excuse...

Sony - Please help me access Playstation's Neural Network

Their (two page!) reply:

"In addition" is neither a suitable transition nor an answer to my question. Sigh.

Coca Cola - Please let me purchase some of your scrumptious syrup for my Fountain!

I am fiending pretty hard for some coke; please give me the hook-up...

Guess I will have to find another dealer; maybe I can bulk-order it with my gum. 

Best Buy - Please help me broadcast my Ski Wedding

As promised...

Perhaps they can help cover the event? (unlike those rogues at Skiing Magazine)

That would be quite a lot of equipment to hold while jumping out of a helicopter in Alaska...

And, as an (unanswered) added bonus:

I remain confident my miniseries will be produced.

Skiing Magazine - Please come to my ski wedding (and give me free skis!!)

This was the email that started it: 


from Fred Decatt
to Editor@skiingmag
date Wed, Jul 1, 2009 at 9:49 AM
subject Letter to the editor


Dear Sir or Madam,


I recently composed this letter about my upcoming ski nuptial to send to your fine publication, but realized I have no stamps, envelopes, or saliva. I have attached a copy here, and will send a hard copy by mail at my soonest convenience.
Hope to hear from you soon!

Best,
Fred Decatt
freddecatt@gmail.com

Dodge - Please help me locate my Magnum

Also, if I had my illusory Magnum, I could have shot that raccoon...

X-Ray headlights certainly are a complicated variable; no wonder they were overwhelmed.

As an aside, this letter was inspired by in incident in which an acquaintance of mine hit a raccoon with her BMW, and the raccoon won. I blame the German work ethic and their inferior welds.